Skip to main content

THEY SAY I HAVE NO CERTIFICATE






By Akeem Lasisi


They say I have no certificate
As if you need the Cambridge magic
To bamboozle your way to the hallowed space
As if you need an Oxford’s ticket
To bully your way to the national cake.
I stayed in the varsity for so long
I bagged an Elderstudentsmanship with a
record break
I rocked the campus like a mystery plague
I got a bachelor of arts in a science course.
They say I have no certificate
But, online and offline, I rock customised
Lamborghinis plus oversight jeeps
Those who decorate their garages with
doctoral crests
Are writing my biography in a stunning haste
I am the elephant with a single arm:
I uproot a palm tree with super awe
If the elephant had two arms
It would bring the Pluto to its arrogant knees.
They say I have no certificate
As if a certificate is akpu and afang soup
That makes the visitor to Ibom to tarry long
As if a certificate is amala and gbegiri
That makes Ibadan a dangerous place for a
greedy mouth.
When did a degree become the sumptuous
tuwo masara
When did it acquire the power of fura de
nunu
Delicacy kings of the Northern belt?
They say I have no certificate
But Dejo is mad, Dejo is mad
Dejo eats pounded yam with the arm of a goat
Dejo is crazy, Dejo is mad
Dejo eats amala with the thigh of a ram.
They say I have no certificate
Yet I never conducted any medical test
Before I diagnosed menopause on the Senate
floor
The hen pecks at corn; it strikes at beans with
dispatch ease
Yet it keeps lamenting the absence of teeth:
The goat with a dental heritage
Has it ever eaten stones with its certificated
teeth?
If the farmer refuses to promise me choice
yam
I can cause the rain to hide in the sky
If the king wants to prove unduly stubborn
I cause the budget to hang in the air.
They say I have no certificate
And I appropriate billions with casual bliss;
Knowing that SANs are eager to plead my
cause
I misappropriate billions with jumbo swag
When they ask for my payslip
I slip a pittance into the stupid air
When they ask me for the total pay
I spin a myth like a master tortoise.
They say I have no certificate.
They say I don’t have certificate
Shame I know I do not have
But I flaunt my shamelessness with national
pride.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

ÌGBÀ ÈWE (CHILDHOOD DAYS)

By Teslim Opemipo Let our mothers come like harmattan haze and swear by the sacrality of ògún if the roof lying above their fathers' house has never been stoned by a boy in love to walk them out for an evening talk. Let our fathers come like a windy rain and swear by the simplicity of òsun if the path that leads to the village stream has never danced to serenades sang by their soles in chase of maidens with braids so long. Let the elders come like a mid-year harvest and swear by the tranquility of the moon if they've not once tasted the bliss of childhood fermented with the morals of moonlight tales. In our village, childhood is made of water; kinsmen, remember, water is brewed with life and life is the laughter moulded on our lips when we gambol from rivers to trees and to fields painted in the colours of hopping grasses. Brethren, if you hear an elder saying: growing up kills laughter and joy, do not giggle for they once like us tasted the bliss o...

FADING SAPPHIRES

By Ola Vincent Omotade She shouted at me  '' just walk away '' You made my past miserable, you're meant to be forgotten. I tried  to walk gently out of her sight. she then 'whispers'  I hate you ,cheater, devil  she said. Then i knelt down and from my sour mouth,I said "Could me and you with fates conspire,to break this sorry scheme of a thing entire. Cos my glances nowadays are now in glimpse. She looked  at me and replied i give you just five minutes. Then i knew i had to do more of poetry and not planning. So i started this way Clouds and Darkness were round about me. Just like the first time i saw your face. And After your lightning enlightened my world, there was a great race in my heart. The way my heart beats radically still wont Change. so I wept bitterly upon the mountains and upon the Hills and it seems someone is taking me away.. Waters cannot quench our love neither can flood drown it....wait Just mention, e...

SALEWA

By Jonathan Oladeji I don’t know how many people have met Salewa before, even if it is not the Salewa I am talking about. What can you say is common about every Salewa? It’s usually their room mates that can testify better. I met Salewa in my 200 level and she told me her name was Sally. I stared at her for hours before managing to pick a seat behind her in the then AUD 2 on the Great Ife campus. Salewa is the typical tall, slim, dark and beautiful (TSDB) girl. I approached with all caution because I wanted to make a good impression. Even though I am not much of a fashionista, I could see her wrist bracelet, earrings and neck-piece were a complete set out of an A-Class boutique. Salewa was not the bend-down select kind of girl. I wanted to break out of that circle too by all means. We talked awkwardly at first, then kicked off with a bit of more fashion related gist as I noticed that was all she wanted to talk about. I actually wanted to talk about drawing boards and painting c...